A Promise From Above

My last weekend smoking, November 14, 2003.

I smoked my first cigarette in Gresham, Oregon in the 6th grade.  I hung out with the kids in the neighborhood that listened to Alice Cooper, Ozzy, and few other "hard rock" bands.  

I loved Alice.  His music was great and spoke volumes to my tortured soul.  Why was I a tortured soul? 

...

Here I was in OREGON.  Summoned by my mother.  She didn't want me with her to start but when it was opportune she had me come up to Oregon.  Mind you my sister had been there for a while.  The dogs had been there for a while.  My Step-dad had been there a while. The furniture was there.  My bed was there along with the rest of my room.  I was down in Tustin, CA going to school and living with my Grammy.  Now I was being sent for to live in a land of rain.  In place where the only persons I knew was my mother and sister and a visit occasionally from my Step-dad.  I felt unloved.

No bikes, no nearby playground, no choir, nothing that I was interested in was there.  Oh well.  So I hung out with kids in the neighborhood.  Most of them were troublemakers. Most of them smoked.  We all sneaked out of the house at night.  We hunted for worms and climbed trees - I was looking for something to fill the loneliness and isolation. 

My mother had my hair cut short. Hated it and felt ugly. 

I spent hours sometimes practicing pitching against the back of the carport. Bored enough to look at the carpet for hours. 

I would sneak into my sister's room and mother's room to snoop.  My sister had my stuff in here room.  Anger because I had no voice because no one listened.

Walking home from the school bus one day a girl that I wanted to be friends with got mad at me, for what I don't recall, and she spit in my face.  A giant fat logy.  SHE SPAT IN MY FACE! No one should EVER spit in anyone's face! RAGE!

Up in my room I realized that I could isolate more.  I listened to Neil Diamond. A record that my mother bought for me as acceptable music.  Frustration because I could not even choose my own music! 

Perfect set-up for starting a bad habit.  One that lasted almost a lifetime.  

HOWEVER ...

I reached a point in 2003 where the frustration and anger was about me and my habits and behavior.  I was sick and tired of smoking.  I couldn't smoke anymore.  I was spending $100 a month on medicines for asthma, allergies, and other stuff just so I could breathe. 

I knew I had to quit.  I wanted to quit.  I had quit several times before but it didn't stick. What was girl to do? NOTHING - I knew I could not do it on my own.  I read all the literature.  I read addition material.  I read and read and read.  Nothing but failure.

I knew that I had to stop smoking.  I knew that in my heart of hearts, felt it deep in my soul.  But I am so week, so human, so frail.  My will was not as strong as my addition to those cigarettes.  

I tried prayer.  This wasn't the "oh God keep me from smoking" but a quiet plea, a groaning of desperation.  I remembered Romans 8: 26-27

 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

My answer was in scripture.  The blessed words of wisdom, of understanding, of love and grace.  The opposite emotions of what I had been feeling when I started smoking. This might work. It had to work.

I prayed and looked through scripture.  Actually the scripture was revealed to me rather quickly once I resigned, (pride issues? That is for later) this to God and His will in my life.  More importantly, I willing threw this up to God for His strength because, well, I am only human and failed myself so often. 

I found this verse 1 Corinthians 10:13

We are never tempted beyond that which is common to man, God if faithful and just and provides a way a way out.

Smoking, an other behaviors, were me giving into temptations. CLICK!

I didn't stop smoking.  What I did was give myself permission to have a smoke ONLY IF I still had the will to smoke after saying the verse. Guess what!  I now have 2891 days cigarette free.  I plan to go the rest of my life by God's grace and strength.

In closing, I leave you with this scripture that I know is true and I should remember it more often:

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty.  Philippians 4:12-14 NLT

Living in Grace for the Moment!